Friday, April 20, 2007

Singer: Melinda Doolittle
Song: "Sway"
The Judges Say: Randy asks people to check him out and warns that this wasn't her best, but still solid. Paula found it sultry and smooth. Last week, if you'll recall, Simon said he was worried that they wouldn't get to say anything bad about Melinda this season, so naturally he begins, "It had to happen, Melinda. I didn't like it." He says that at this stage, Melinda needs the "Wow!" factor and even calls it lazy and wooden. He's so clearly going for pointless criticism that it's impossible to take him seriously. Melinda smartly observes that Simon wanted to say something bad and she's glad he got the chance. In my opinion, she disagrees without seeming cocky. Others will disagree.

Singer: LaKisha Jones
Song: "Conga"
The Judges Say: Randy raves that LaKisha was having fun and that she made it her own. Paula, however, thought it was a safe performance. LaKisha disagrees with Paula, but Simon thinks it was a performance song, but not a singing song.

Singer: Chris Richardson
Song: "Smooth"
The Judges Say: Randy liked that Chris did his thing. Paula thought it was hot and calls Chris sexy. It wasn't best vocal Simon has ever heard, but he preferred it to LaKisha and Melinda.

Singer: Haley Scarnato
Song: "Turn the Beat Around"
The Judges Say: Randy thought it was karaoke. Paula thinks Haley had fun. Simon endorses Haley's Clothing Depletion strategy, as does the cameraman, who lovingly pans from shoes to hair. Simon complains, then, about the vocals being rushed. Haley resists the temptation to tell Simon to stop sexually harassing her.

Singer: Phil Stacey
Song: "Maria, Maria"
The Judges Say: Randy wanted more passion. Paula liked the vocals except for the parts where she didn't. Simon found it lifeless and flat.

Singer: Jordin Sparks
Song: "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You"
The Judges Say: Randy says she's got the "Yo!" factor. Paula thinks Jordin is authentic and having a great time. Simon's not feeling tonight at all and he's wondering why the night hasn't had a progression.

Singer: Blake Lewis
Song: "I Need to Know"
The Judges Say: Randy loved the song choice and the performance. Paula thought it captured Blake's essence. Simon thought it was the night's best performance.

Singer: Sanjaya Malakar
Song: "Besa me Mucho"
The Judges Say: Randy says it was actually really good and calls Sanjaya one of the smartest contestants. Paula is also amused and positive. "I couldn't understand a word of it," Simon says, before raving that "It wasn't horrible."

How do you solve a problem like a 60-minute American Idol results show when you only have 30 seconds of substance?

Host Ryan Seacrest kicks off the show with a dire threat about its hour-long running time. No need to rub it in, Seacrest. He attempts to initiate conversation with the judges about Tuesday's show, but Paula Abdul stifles any discussion by getting a giggle fit over whether or not Latin Night let her see different sides to the contestants.

The evening's group-sing (please let it be the only one) is somewhat to the tune of "Bailamos." Somebody needs to slap the mad genius who paired Haley and Sanjaya for one spectacularly tone-deaf early verse and then take out other super-villain who decided that parts of the song would be best served by having Phil wail atonally over the melody. LaKisha, Melinda and Chris look like there are places they'd rather be. Jordin and Blake are a bit more engaged and this is, finally, the ideal venue for Future Theme Park Snow White Haley.

The Idol trivia question asks us to remember which contestant sung with Meatloaf in last season's finale. I miss Katherine McPhee. Haley-tosis has been a poor substitute for McPheever.

In a newish filler segment, Ryan Seacrest goes out to the Farmer's Market (Idol tapes next door, so he didn't have to go far) and interviews people about the previous night's performances. He just happens to find girls wandering around with signs showing support for Blake. The stand-outs are the bald beefy guy who says he caught Haley's skimpy costume, the guy with the Crab Man 'fro who liked LaKisha and the little girl doing the Blake dance.

Mama Akon didn't raise no dummy. Noticing the sales boost he got from his on-air Idol teaming with Gwen Stefani just two weeks ago, Acorn is back, this time to sleepwalk through "Don't Matter." He's comically uninterested in singing and he sacrifices music and rhythm to flirt with the gals in the front row.

In footage from his trip to Africa, Simon introduces us to cute little Caroline and to the concept of a School-in-a-Box. I've sworn that I won't make fun of Idol Gives Back and I'm not going to start here. As for the African children mocking Simon's man-boobs? Well, I guess that's family-friendly TV.

In previously unseen audition footage, the judges tell Tony Bennett, pretending to be 39, that he can't sing. It isn't vaguely funny. Now if the judges had told Acorn that he can't sing, that would have been worth the time.

Celebrity Latina Eva Longoria is in the audience. Since FOX has a paucity of on-air Latin talent, they've apparently had to go outside of the network. That's sad.

Following a recap of last night, Melinda says that she respected Simon's criticisms. With whistles in the background, Haley admits that Simon's objectifying comments hurt her a little and she warns viewers that she doesn't plan to wear anything completely inappropriate. Perhaps, then, this actually is the correct time to see her off. Blake admits that he uses his tattoos Prison Break-style to remember the words.

Time to pull the Bottom Three: Phil's up first and he goes straight to the Bottom Three. While some online pundits predicted she might be in trouble, LaKisha's safe, as is Jordin. Ryan makes Sanjaya stand and then seats him immediately, moving on to Melinda, who's also safe. To nobody's surprise, Haley bats her eyelashes and goes to join Phil. Ryan tells Sanjaya to stand and then seats him again, calling on Blake, who earns audience squeals and returns to safety. Sanjaya stands again, this time with Chris. In a pseudo-shocker that earns audience boos, Chris is the third member of the Bottom Three. Credit Chris with seeming properly amused by his temporary demotion.

Chris' time in the Bottom Three didn't last long. On a scale of 1-to-10 for nervousness, Haley gives this experience an "Oh my God."

Everybody loved working with J-Lo. J-Lo's great. Three cheers for J-Lo. This is a good feature, because the celebrity mentors don't get enough puffery as is. I can't bring myself to dislike a beautiful woman who uses the phrase "pop a squat." It's a bit like at the Golden Globes when Helen Mirren said she was glad she didn't fall "ass-over-tit."

Somebody should still tell J-Lo that she accidentally came onto the stage in her silk bathrobe. Her performance, backed by licking flames, is vaguely redolent of an El Pollo Loco commercial. It also makes me wonder what our Idol singers could do with a smoke machine, pyrotechnics and a dozen background singers doing the melody with them at all times. She's not a singer, but she's a star. J-Lo says she comes from the Paula School of Criticism and that everybody was great last night.

Who's going home? After more than 35 million votes were cast, Phil is safe. Haley and her collection of short-shorts are heading home. Gina had the perfect exit song last week with "Smile." Haley, however, has to recover her composure for the up-beat "Turn the Beat Around." Despite the emotion of the moment, she finds her smile and takes the song into the audience. She may break down later, but on-camera, she's a total pro.

Is anybody particularly sad about last week's results? How will you cure your Haley-tosis? Thoughts on the padded hour-long results show?